Grieving What Could Have Been
Estrangement doesn’t just mean grieving the relationship you’ve lost; it often involves mourning the relationship you wish you’d had.
Maybe Christmas has always been fraught with tension, or perhaps this year is the first time things are different. Either way, it’s okay to feel the weight of what’s missing.
I remember the first Christmas after going no contact with my mother. The relief was undeniable—no longer having to juggle the complicated emotions that came with Christmas, the inevitable calls or visits, not even buying a Christmas card for her, a weight lifted, a sense of freedom I hadn’t experienced before but that relief was tinged with sadness, an aching grief for what could never be. I had to face the reality that I might never have the relationship I had always hoped for, the one I thought maybe, just maybe, we could one day build. That hope had quietly kept me going for so long, and letting it go felt like mourning a dream.
It’s a strange kind of loss, grieving something that was never truly there but that you so desperately wished for. That first Christmas forced me to sit with that grief and start to accept that this was my reality. It wasn’t easy, but it marked the beginning of something new—a chance to create a life that wasn’t shaped by unmet expectations or the weight of strained relationships.
That Christmas, I realised that grief and relief could coexist. And slowly, I began to focus on what I could create for myself—a Christmas that felt peaceful, authentic, and free of the emotional up and down I’d carried for so long.
If I could offer one thing it would be to give yourself permission to feel it all—sadness, relief, anger, or even joy. These emotions aren’t contradictory; they’re part of the process. By recognising these feelings, you can begin to release some of the emotional pressure that builds up during the holidays.
Creating Space for Yourself
When the usual family dynamic is no longer in place, it can feel like both a loss and an opportunity. This is your chance to redefine what Christmas means to you.
Here are a few ways to create space for yourself this holiday season:
Focus on nurturing relationships: Spend time with the people who make you feel valued and supported—friends, a partner, or chosen family. These are the connections that matter most.
Create new rituals: This year could be the start of something special for you. Whether it’s baking your favourite treats, going on a wintry walk, or trying something completely new, make Christmas about your joy.
Be kind to yourself: Little things, like lighting a candle, writing out your feelings in a journal, or simply indulging in a comforting meal, can ground you and remind you that your needs are valid.
Christmas doesn’t have to look the way it used to. In fact, letting go of old expectations can be liberating. Take the opportunity to explore what feels good this year—watching films in your pyjamas, cooking your dream meal, or even volunteering your time to help others.
It’s natural for feelings of guilt, sadness, or nostalgia to creep in. When they do, remind yourself why you made the choice to step away. Estrangement not a decision made lightly, I know only too well, it took me decades to get to that stage, it is about protecting your peace and well-being.
If those moments hit, try grounding yourself in the present:
Take deep breaths and focus on what you can feel, hear, and see around you.
Remind yourself of the love and safety you’re creating for yourself now.
Speak kindly to yourself—acknowledge the courage it’s taken to prioritise your mental and emotional health.
You Are Enough
This Christmas, the most important gift you can give yourself is acceptance. You don’t have to meet anyone’s expectations or prove anything to anyone. Don’t expect everyone to understand your choices, they won’t! but your worth isn’t tied to what’s missing - it is tied to the care, peace, and joy you’re creating for yourself.
Christmas might feel different, but different can still be meaningful. Take it one moment at a time, and let this season be about what matters most to you.
You are enough, just as you are.
